my thoughts linger on one experience in particular though. one life-changing, long-lasting (kind of) experience. and although this experience wasn't really that long ago, it feels like it's far in my past and memory.
particular parts of this experience have been blurred and mixed together. others are etched in my mind, and it's likely that they will be permanently. one time stands out now, as "night drive" by jimmy eat world plays. i vividly recall sitting at QT at a gas pump and winning a bet. that was a night that things changed.
"23" was playing a little earlier, and i can remember feeling exactly the same as certain lines of that song: 'you'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time. what are you hoping for? i'm, here, i'm now, i'm ready, holding on tight.' my eyes begin to water as these feelings come back. unrequited feelings. simultaneous feelings of hope and hopelessness.
coldplay's "viva la vida" album will always remind me. always.
"a wish," by gregory and the hawk.
and then there's that night. one of the worst that i've experienced, up there with several of the nights to follow. i couldn't handle it. i've relived it so many times, wondering if there was anything i could have said or done to change it. and though i've tried to block it out, i'll never be able to forget it. as the bens so bluntly say it, "love just leaves you bruised. and i've got the scars to prove it." but just because i don't want to remember, doesn't mean that i want to forget.
now, i don't want you to think that i regret any of those eight months. not one part of me does. i learned so much, and i think i've realized why we have these kinds of experiences: to grow and change and improve and mature. i've seen in the past few weeks how my actions and reactions to situations have changed from what they would have been previously. though things didn't unfold in the ideal manner, i believe that they occurred as they were supposed to. all the memories i have, i'll cherish, not shy away from.
whenever i hear a limbeck song, what laura says, "cheeseburger in paradise," or "paper planes," i'll remember. and i'll want to.
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